Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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