Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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