i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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