Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
