john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
