There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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