Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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