My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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