i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
