Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
