Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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