Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
