lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
