my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
