No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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