Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize