You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
