just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
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