Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
