When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
