My Higher Power is John Stamos
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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