i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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