So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
