My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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