i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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