I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
