i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
