That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
