He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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