I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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