haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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