I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
