Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
