im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
