Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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