my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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