at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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