i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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