Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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