Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
