Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he laminated a picture of his dick.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
