soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I need moral support for this bender
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
