Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
