why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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