it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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