I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
