You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize