the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
