im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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