your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
