Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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