Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Say something about gay babies.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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