Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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