Got a toothbrush?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just cropdusted the office
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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