I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
