just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
