he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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