There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
