so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
