dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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