i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
