you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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